“She’s Not Just Here to Cook”: How to Set Boundaries, Roles, and Respect for Helpers

In many Asian households, hiring help — whether it’s a live-in nanny, cook, or “Auntie” referred by a family friend — often blurs the lines between professional and personal. She’s in your kitchen, around your kids, and maybe even part of your family group chat. But familiarity doesn’t replace structure.

Without clearly defined roles or boundaries, small misunderstandings can spiral. Someone ends up overworked, underappreciated, or worse — completely burned out. Here's how to strike the balance between cultural warmth and modern clarity in your home.

Acknowledge the Cultural Context

• In many Asian communities, helpers are treated “like family” — but that often comes with vague expectations.
• While the intention is good, the lack of structure can unintentionally create stress, confusion, or even resentment.
• Respect doesn’t mean informality — in fact, clarity is a form of respect.

📌 Quick Tip: Start the conversation by asking, “How can we make this work for both of us?”

Define the Role — Early and Clearly

• Outline responsibilities: childcare, cleaning, cooking, errands, etc.
• Be specific: “Help with kids” could mean homework help or full-on bedtime duty — clarify it.
• Use a written agreement (yes, even with Auntie!) that covers duties, hours, time off, and payment.

🧾 Bonus Resource: Offer a downloadable sample agreement template or checklist.

Set Boundaries with Compassion

• Physical boundaries: private spaces (e.g., bedrooms), shared areas, and working hours.
• Emotional boundaries: Just because she’s easy to talk to doesn’t mean she’s your therapist or go-to babysitter on her day off.
• Model balance — especially in multi-generational homes where elders may see her as “always on call.”

💬 Example Script: “We really appreciate how flexible you are, but we want to make sure you’re not stretched too thin. Let’s talk about your hours.”

Build Respect into Your Routine

• Acknowledge her contributions regularly (not just on Lunar New Year with a red envelope).
• Offer paid time off, fair raises, and holiday bonuses — even if she’s “like family.”
• Check in weekly to avoid small issues becoming long-term resentments.

🌟 Human Moment: Share a story or quote from a real family or helper about what respect looks like in practice.

When Things Get Tricky – Handle with Grace

• Conflict is normal — approach it with curiosity, not blame.
• Use “I” statements: “I’ve noticed...” vs. “You always...”
• Sometimes, mediation or third-party support helps — especially if there’s a language or generational gap.

Conclusion: Respect is a Two-Way Street

Your home can be a space where cultural tradition and modern values coexist. By setting clear expectations, boundaries, and showing consistent appreciation, you’re not just hiring help — you’re creating a working relationship rooted in mutual respect.

👣 Next Steps: Want help drafting a caregiver agreement? Or finding a bilingual helper who understands your household dynamic? AyiConnect is here to support you every step of the way.

AyiConnect is a platform to connect families with helpers who have a language specialty in addition to care. You can post a free job to engage with them through self-service or use concierge service. For self-service, you can even join in the discussion. The concierge service can provide another option to ensure successful matches for busy families who don't have time to search or need language assistance. Schedule a free consultation here for our concierge service, or check us out at ayiconnection.com